I’ve come to the conclusion that I hate first dates, they’re rarely fun. From trying to figure out what to wear, to the awkward silences, and waiting for them to call/text afterwards; it’s all very stressful. Kissing is fun, sex is even more fun, but first dates (which rarely include either) are not.
I have this weird feeling in my stomach that something big is about to happen, something life changing. Maybe that’s wishful thinking on my part, that something great will occur soon, but it feels real to me. I feel different, I feel ready to take on something that could be potentially challenging, but also life altering in a positive way. I don’t know if I’m making any sense, but I’m just filled with a sense of anticipation. I’m ready, bring it on.
I’m so bored, I want to scream. Being an unemployed college graduate is a lot harder than it looks. At first, it was nice, but now I feel like I’m not even living anymore. I feel like a zombie. I do the same thing everyday– wake up past noon, eat in bed, apply to jobs, go on Tumblr, and watch a ridiculous amount of TV. I’m over it. With each passing day, the belief that my hopes and dreams will become a reality diminishes. I see the people around me doing amazing things, and it’s hard not to be jealous of them when I feel so stuck. I crave adventure. I crave change. Unfortunately, adventures cost money and I don’t have any. I feel an enormous amount of pressure from people (but mostly myself) to not only be extraordinary, but live an extraordinary life. I fear being boring. Everyone says, with such confidence, that things will “get better”, but what do I do if they don’t?
Love is a really scary thing. As I’ve gotten older I have become less attracted to the idea; I’ve become fearful of it. The idea that I would be in love with someone so much that I’d willingly give up career opportunities, travel plans, and my dreams just to be with them is terrifying. Everyone says that you have to make sacrifices when you’re with someone, but I don’t want to. Why is giving up several things a prerequisite to being in a committed relationship? As I’ve contemplated this, I have thought about how people, especially women, have this idea that they have to sacrifice part of themselves (dreams, etc.) to be with someone. I feel like this ideology is why so many people wake up in their 40’s, 50’s, etc. and feel regret — unhappy with their lives and the relationships that they are in. I personally think that if someone truly “loves” you, all of you, then you wouldn’t have to give up so many things to be with them. Maybe it’s because I’m young and admittedly a little naive, but I think it’s okay to be selfish. I think it’s okay to want to continue pursuing the dreams that you had prior to the relationship. I know that if I were to get married down the line, by some miracle, I would want it to last. I feel like I and a lot of people out there won’t be happy giving up their dreams (which are essentially a part of you) to be with someone. Maybe you won’t regret it right away, but eventually regret will creep up on you and by then it will be too late. So, I think it’s important that people realize that just because you’re in love with someone it doesn’t mean that you should be with them; love isn’t enough. Find someone who accepts and supports you for who you are — insecurities, passions, dreams, and all. Don’t let your fear of being alone result in you committing to someone who prevents you from being you.
I’m a 21 year old recent college graduate from California trying to find my place in the world. I was inspired to start this blog by a friend. I’ve always been intimidated by the prospect of having my own blog, but I’ve decided to not let a little thing like fear get in my way. I used to love writing, but put it on the back burner for the past couple of years due to life getting in the way. I hope that by having this blog, by having a outlet to write, I will begin to find clarity or at least have a really cool hobby. Anyway, I’m not sure what the “theme” of this blog will be, but most likely it will consist of me sharing the details of my life, my aspirations, and my insecurities.